Copyright-Melanie Greenwood

Copyright-Melanie Greenwood

“Some guy just tried to sit on me!”

“Well, you are a butt holder.”

“I am not! You’re the butt holders.”

“Oh yeah? Well, you got fake silver veneer!”

“Lame comeback, you chairs are all alike.”

“We might be lame, but you’re laminated.”

“Do you even hear yourselves? You don’t have the sense Samsung gave a flat screen.”

The table had the last word. A man passing by had heard everything. Not wanting to get dragged into their conflict, he kept walking, wondering, in a world with so many pressing problems to resolve, why must even the furniture be offensive?


It’s the Halloween edition of Friday Fictioneers, and what could be creepier than talking furniture? Check out this week’s stories here. Thanks for reading.

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41 thoughts on “Inanimate Discourse

  1. A butt holder…ahahahahaha!

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Laugh. Laugh and laugh some more. I like it!

  2. Ankita says:

    “We might be lame, but you’re laminated.”
    Ah! Lovely!

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Chairs are so silly sometimes.

  3. Margaret says:

    Very funny. I really like the passer-by’s comment. It’s ok for the pieces of furniture to talk, as long as they’re civil.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      That’s right, Margaret. If the furniture can’t say something nice, it should remain silent. HA! Imagine how peaceful the world might be if people followed that rule. Of course, there’d be no reality TV.

  4. 40something says:

    This gave me a good chuckle! 🙂

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Well, I’m glad to hear it. There’s nothing like a good chuckle.

  5. Vinay Leo R. says:

    Hehehe 😀 That was funny! Got a chuckle right on the first line 🙂 Thank you.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Laughs are the best compliments. Thanks!

  6. The furniture in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special still freaks me out to this day. That chair is attacking Snoopy! Looks like it could swallow him whole, too. Jaws? Fuggedaboutit…this is the movie that gives me nightmares.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      There have been occasions when the sofa held me down and would not let me up until I agreed to bring it some Doritos. Scary, right?

  7. The last line is the best, I often ask myself the very same thing.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Come across some offensive furniture lately or just people, dumb as chairs?

      1. Perhaps a bit of both.


    2. Melanie says:

      I thought so too. Very clever last line.

      1. Honie Briggs says:

        Thanks. It’s a line that gets reworked often and shows up from time to time with different wording but the same sentiment.

  8. Truly laughed out loud, Honie. That doesn’t happen often when I’m reading. Wonderful!

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Dawn, I’m pleased to hear you had a laugh with this one.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Very clever – I shall never sit on a chair again without wondering if it’s sentient!

  10. Very imaginative piece. Love the discourse (and discontent) among the furniture. I may avoid sidewalk cafes for awhile.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Furniture feud, now there’s a topic for reality TV if I ever heard one.

  11. Yes, I can see this in a book…restless character filled with conflicting, vexing thoughts. Clever story. Happy Halloween. May the furniture you sit in/on not be spooky and may you get plenty of sleep on Saturday morning.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      LOL. Thank you Georgette. It sort of reminds me of this book I was tricked into reading by a friend of mine, “The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake” by Amiee Bender. Surreal is an understatement.
      Happy Halloween to you too.

  12. yarnspinnerr says:

    Offensivity (if there is such a word) is definitely on the rise. Great take.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      You are correct. I read in the paper this morning that even common grasses are engaged in some sort of turf war. It seems St. Augustine is fighting for dominance over Bermuda. What an insane world!

      1. yarnspinnerr says:


        We have forgotten that the inanimate world also contributes to peace and prosperity.

        I like the esoteric view point. 🙂

  13. My fireplace would have something to add to all this. Nothing scatalogical, though.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      I can see the title of my next book: Lifeless Communication of Furniture and Fireplaces. Sounds like a story about political pundits.

  14. Dear Stephanie,

    Too many late nights at the books? You’re hearing furniture talk? It does make me suspect of the chair that now cradles my butt. Love the dialogue…particularly the Samsung line.



    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Dear Rochelle,

      Too many late nights researching the cultural constructs of everything from beauty ideals to leadership, to effective conflict resolution strategies. At least the voices in my head now have the furniture to talk to. There’s a book in this. I’m sure of it.

      Peculiarly Preoccupied,


  15. Rajesh says:

    Loved it.. Took a few seconds to realize that it was the furniture doing the talking.. Nice twist

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      It took me a few seconds to realize it too.

  16. Surreal and funny! I like it.

  17. Sandra says:

    I hate sassy furniture. What an off-the-wall take on the prompt! Well done.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      I’m feeling a bit “off-the-wall” lately. Sassy furniture is the last straw! HA!

  18. Amy Reese says:

    Very funny, Honie. Now must even the furniture freak me out? I’m sitting on the floor from now on. I’m sure the furniture have something to say about that, too!

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Yeah, probably something like, “Oh, Look at Amy. She’s too good for us.” HA!

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