Inanimate Discourse

Copyright-Melanie Greenwood
Copyright-Melanie Greenwood

“Some guy just tried to sit on me!”

“Well, you are a butt holder.”

“I am not! You’re the butt holders.”

“Oh yeah? Well, you got fake silver veneer!”

“Lame comeback, you chairs are all alike.”

“We might be lame, but you’re laminated.”

“Do you even hear yourselves? You don’t have the sense Samsung gave a flat screen.”

The table had the last word. A man passing by had heard everything. Not wanting to get dragged into their conflict, he kept walking, wondering, in a world with so many pressing problems to resolve, why must even the furniture be offensive?


It’s the Halloween edition of Friday Fictioneers, and what could be creepier than talking furniture? Check out this week’s stories here. Thanks for reading.

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41 thoughts on “Inanimate Discourse

    1. That’s right, Margaret. If the furniture can’t say something nice, it should remain silent. HA! Imagine how peaceful the world might be if people followed that rule. Of course, there’d be no reality TV.

  1. The furniture in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special still freaks me out to this day. That chair is attacking Snoopy! Looks like it could swallow him whole, too. Jaws? Fuggedaboutit…this is the movie that gives me nightmares.

  2. Yes, I can see this in a book…restless character filled with conflicting, vexing thoughts. Clever story. Happy Halloween. May the furniture you sit in/on not be spooky and may you get plenty of sleep on Saturday morning.

    1. LOL. Thank you Georgette. It sort of reminds me of this book I was tricked into reading by a friend of mine, “The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake” by Amiee Bender. Surreal is an understatement.
      Happy Halloween to you too.

    1. You are correct. I read in the paper this morning that even common grasses are engaged in some sort of turf war. It seems St. Augustine is fighting for dominance over Bermuda. What an insane world!

  3. Dear Stephanie,

    Too many late nights at the books? You’re hearing furniture talk? It does make me suspect of the chair that now cradles my butt. Love the dialogue…particularly the Samsung line.



    1. Dear Rochelle,

      Too many late nights researching the cultural constructs of everything from beauty ideals to leadership, to effective conflict resolution strategies. At least the voices in my head now have the furniture to talk to. There’s a book in this. I’m sure of it.

      Peculiarly Preoccupied,


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