Copyright - Ted Strutz

Copyright – Ted Strutz

Maggie sat at the kitchen table after the funeral scanning the classifieds. Now that Peter was gone, how would she ever find someone to take his place?  The small fishing community had grown dependent on them. Just below an ad for soldiers of fortune, something piqued Maggie’s interest. She wrote to inquire about the cost.

The day arrived. Maggie waited anxiously at the dock. Passenger after passenger disembarked. Suddenly a man, badly bruised, missing one arm, approached her.

“You’re not what I expected.”

“Well lady, this is what you get from the scratch and dent list.”

“I ordered a dentist!”


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62 thoughts on “Mail Order Husband

  1. I really liked the part, “scratch and dent list.” It was very creative.

  2. Mike says:

    This would be down right Hilarious … if it didn’t fit, ha.

  3. Nan Falkner says:

    Dear Honie: You are so funny! Love the ordering from the “scratch and dent list” – not the “dentist” list. Hilarious! I’ll smile all night on this! Thanks for the great laugh! Nan 🙂

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      You are welcome, Nan. Always happy to provide someone with a laugh. I was thinking about changing this to, but not everything I write is humorous. So…

  4. subroto says:

    Ha ha! A true “male-order” husband story, nice play on the words.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Ha, male-order, Thanks!

  5. dmmacilroy says:

    Dear Honie,

    I loved your story. I was purchased from that list. (I think the word you want is ‘piqued’ not ‘peaked’. Perhaps that is auto-correct wreaking havoc with your spelling. I don’t know.)



    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Ah the great homophone. The wrong ones won’t leave me alone. Like bad boys hot on the chase, trying to get in my face. You are correct. I failed to select the write word for the right place. Peek peak pique. Thanks!

  6. Dear Stephanie,

    Nothing makes me laugh like a good play on words and nothing makes me smile like good writing. You’ve accomplished both.

    I’d say that Maggie needs an ophthalmologist rather than a dentist. 😉



    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Dear Rochelle,

      I can’t imagine a word play for ophthalmologist. There is no telling what might have shown up if Maggie had tried to order one.

      Yours in wordiness,

  7. Never go for mail-order wives of husbands without reading the fine-print…

  8. Ha! What a delight this little tale is.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      We aim to please.

  9. Great, witty take on the prompt 🙂

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      I’ve been practicing the witty take.

  10. draliman says:

    Hilarious! I really enjoyed this, made a nice change from all the horror stories 🙂

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      This photo did prompt a lot of horror, didn’t it? Odd that genre doesn’t come to mind much for me. Thanks for commenting.

  11. Honie, Well written and very humorous. Either she needed glasses or it was a misprint. I wonder if she could sue the paper. I wonder how many women would take a chance and order from a “scratch and dent” list. Well done. 😀 —Susan

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      I think a lot of women choose from the scratch and dent list without realizing it. Thanks for your kind words, Susan.

  12. Clever and witty, this really made me laugh, Honie. I like that you tell a total story, and then add some humor.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Well, I made you laugh. That is all I need to hear. Thanks, Dawn.

        1. Honie Briggs says:

          Hopefully when I’m good for nothing else, I’m good for a laugh.

          1. You are always good for a wonderful read, and the laugh is merely icing on the cake this week! Note, I also said clever and witty… run with that. 😉

  13. wmqcolby says:

    Ay, ay, ay! Talk about a mistake. Now, I know why MY name got on the Dense and Kvetch list. Wonderful story, Honie!

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Yeah, big mistake. Too bad there was a no returns policy. Ha! I can’t believe you’d be on such a list. You are so complementary.

  14. rgayer55 says:

    The last two sentences sound like some of my conversations. Great humor, Honie.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      High praise from the artful humorist himself! 😉

  15. This is very clever! I guess she should have read the fine print. It reminds me a little of a story I wrote called Body of Man about ordering the ideal man from an iPhone app. I can’t imagine ordering a husband. It seems so crass. 🙂

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Me either. I chose the floor model.

  16. Such fun.
    I must say she didn’t hang around – checking the opportunities straight after the funeral – economic necessity or a seriously high libido?

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      There’s really no way to know for sure. Maggie is a complicated woman.

  17. tedstrutz says:

    That was a clever and amusing take on the prompt.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Thanks for the interesting prompt, Ted.

  18. unfetteredbs says:

    Love! Ha.

      1. unfetteredbs says:


  19. Susan portman says:

    With the inside track, I had a clue. Enjoyable romp, my friend. Missed your voice.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      I’ve been conserving my energy. Actually trying to recharge. Done.

  20. I just love the fact that it was a mail order husband instead of the typical mail order bride. Now to see if she can teach him to drill.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      I’ve been waiting for a chance to use that title. Oh, she’ll teach him alright!

  21. Good thing she didn’t order a pianist. There’s no telling who would have stepped off that boat.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Knuckles Malone, no doubt. HA!

  22. Helen Ross says:

    Very clever, Honie. Loved it!

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Hi, Helen. Thanks!

  23. Oh Lord! Great play on words. Poor thing, I suspect not at all what she expected.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Yeah, but Maggie knows how to whip those husbands into shape. 😉

  24. *Snerk* I like it.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Snerk, I had to look up that one. Funny.

  25. Amy Reese says:

    Ha ha! Good one, Honie. Clever word play!

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Thanks, Amy. Can you just imagine sending away for a replacement husband?

  26. Just hilarious! Love quirky twists

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      I’ve been working on my quirky twists.

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