Statistics show people live longer, 100% longer in fact, when they aren’t killed in battle. Statistics also show that doing battle over the last acre of land is way less productive than doing battle over the last chocolate chip cookie. Typically a battle for the last chocolate cookie results in one party enjoying a chewy, chocolaty delight and the other party just crying like a baby, whereas a battle for land results in both parties eating dirt.
How is this a rational act?
Eating chocolate is better than eating dirt for many reasons. One really good reason is that eating dirt is disgusting. Eating chocolate, even when it does melt in your hands, is something like ten thousand times better than eating dirt. I don’t have the exact figures from an actual study, but I think it is somewhere around ten thousand.
Now, let’s say for the sake of argument, because the sake of argument seems to be pretty damned important to people these days, let’s say that someone thinks that eating dirt is a price worth paying for control over a piece of land and all of the resources on, above, or beneath said land. I submit to you the counter argument that even if said land can be cultivated to provide an abundance of chocolate for the entire population within its geographic boundaries, meaning adjacent lakes, rivers, streams, mountains, deserts, frozen tundra, forests and other naturally occurring lines of demarcation traditionally considered to be boundaries NOT some contrived boundary based on a mythology or tyrannical seizure, eating dirt is still not in any way whatsoever a price worth paying for said land.
Furthermore, dirt has been known to harbor toxins. What properties does chocolate harbor, you ask? Well, I’m glad you asked because I am an expert on the properties of chocolate. Chocolate harbors life-giving, soul satisfying, harmonious and orgasmic properties. I’m not making this up. Have you ever seen anyone making an angry face while eating chocolate? No, I bet you haven’t. Have you ever been injured for offering to share a chocolate bar with a stranger? I don’t think so. See, that’s proof positive twice in a row right there that chocolate is good for humanity.
Maybe instead of battle tested war horses distributing weapons through back channels until every side is sick to death of mass casualties, it would be better to step in before a conflict arises and distribute a hundred million or so chocolate chip cookies. It is a known fact that chocolate calms the savage beast. Yes, it is so a fact!
You know what is better than a battle royale? Royal fudge ice cream. You know what is better than a sneak attack on dusty road? Rocky road ice cream. What’s better than spraying toxic chemicals? Chocolate sprinkles. Just think how much worldwide outrage could be prevented if people were free to dedicate their lives to chocolatarian pursuits! Think of the strategies that might be developed to maintain a high quality of silky smooth deliciousness or the joy of never ceasing such an endeavor until your last chocolate laden breath was drawn.
There are alternatives to war. All we have to do is make a concerted effort to give them a chance. Of course it will take more than chocolate to keep people from killing each other over territory and resources, but what if someone, anyone, took the first step, made the first move, offered a single option? Why, besides severe brain damage, would human beings, who possess enough intellect to achieve greatness worthy of praise, choose to eat dirt instead of chocolate? What is better than chocolate? Peace perhaps.
27 thoughts on “All I Am Saying Is Give Chocolate A Chance”
Peace, love and chocolate—all we ever need.
and a toothbrush. 🙂
I would vote for Chocolate every single time. What a good idea.
Chocolate wins every time!
I am mightily impressed with the depth and veracity of your years of intensive research in the field of chocolate science, which clearly shines through in all of these concrete facts that The MAN doesn’t want us to know. I would’ve pegged dirt as only 9,800 times superior to dirt, but that’s because I’m an ordinary layman who can’t be bothered to keep up with current studies in the more esoteric chocolate science journals. Kudos!
Yes, I have a PhD in chocology. It’s an honorary thing, of course, but I take my research very seriously. Chocolate makes the world a sweeter place to live.
There must be an award for the best use of chocolate in a blog. This is definitely it.
Thanks, Lyle. I’ve never heard of one, but if there is such a thing, I’m in. I hope it includes a lifetime supply of…you guessed it…chocolate!
I heard *chocolate* and came a runnin’. I like the way you think, Honie. This is brilliant!
You are a woman with her priorities straight. Always make time for chocolate. How’s the book coming along?
The first book in the new series is finished. Thanks for asking! Working on the Susan Hunter book now. Will you be participating in NaNoWriMo this year?
Maddie, I love to say yes, but I was a big NaNoWriMo flop last year and I wasn’t even in school then. Homework is the only Wri happening around here these days. Beyond Belief sits incomplete. So, probably not. 😦
I understand. School comes first. I didn’t enjoy NaNo last year. I prefer pressure when I’m putting it on myself, and it’s not coming from someone or something else. I’m participating again with the hope I’ll have a better handle on it this year.
Should someone send cookies to congress – eating chocolate is also better that eating your own words or eating crow – at least 10,000 times better 🙂
Let ’em eat crow. 😉
And the Nobel Peace Prize goes to…the woman with melted chocolate on her fingers!
Yes! I knew all that research would pay off!
That’s the best idea I’ve seen in a long time!
Chocolate is a great idea any time.
You may be on to something. After all, chocolate (like other foods with sugar) triggers the feel-good centers in the brain. Feel good, no war. Honie for president!
Can you imagine the conversation between me and Hillary? “Yes, you heard me correctly. I want you to stay home and bake 300,000 cookies. Get some interns to help you. Oh, on second thought, scratch that.”
Yeah, you might want to talk to Bill about that. He’s probably the cookie-maker now.
I bet you’re right. Well then, definitely no interns. Hey, do you think a Chocolatarian party could get enough traction to make it onto the ballot by 2014?
It would get my vote.
A peace of chocolate – best idea ever
Truffle Truce Leads To Cocoa Accords. Yeah!