Statistics show people live longer, 100% longer in fact, when they aren’t killed in battle. Statistics also show that doing battle over the last acre of land is way less productive than doing battle over the last chocolate chip cookie. Typically a battle for the last chocolate cookie results in one party enjoying a chewy, chocolaty delight and the other party just crying like a baby, whereas a battle for land results in both parties eating dirt.

How is this a rational act?

Eating chocolate is better than eating dirt for many reasons. One really good reason is that eating dirt is disgusting. Eating chocolate, even when it does melt in your hands, is something like ten thousand times better than eating dirt. I don’t have the exact figures from an actual study, but I think it is somewhere around ten thousand.

Now, let’s say for the sake of argument, because the sake of argument seems to be pretty damned important to people these days, let’s say that someone thinks that eating dirt is a price worth paying for control over a piece of land and all of the resources on, above, or beneath said land. I submit to you the counter argument that even if said land can be cultivated to provide an abundance of chocolate for the entire population within its geographic boundaries, meaning adjacent lakes, rivers, streams, mountains, deserts, frozen tundra, forests and other naturally occurring lines of demarcation traditionally considered to be boundaries NOT some contrived boundary based on a mythology or tyrannical seizure, eating dirt is still not in any way whatsoever a price worth paying for said land.

Furthermore, dirt has been known to harbor toxins. What properties does chocolate harbor, you ask? Well, I’m glad you asked because I am an expert on the properties of chocolate. Chocolate harbors life-giving, soul satisfying, harmonious and orgasmic properties. I’m not making this up. Have you ever seen anyone making an angry face while eating chocolate? No, I bet you haven’t. Have you ever been injured for offering to share a chocolate bar with a stranger? I don’t think so. See, that’s proof positive twice in a row right there that chocolate is good for humanity.

Maybe instead of battle tested war horses distributing weapons through back channels until every side is sick to death of mass casualties, it would be better to step in before a conflict arises and distribute a hundred million or so chocolate chip cookies. It is a known fact that chocolate calms the savage beast. Yes, it is so a fact!

You know what is better than a battle royale? Royal fudge ice cream. You know what is better than a sneak attack on dusty road? Rocky road ice cream. What’s better than spraying toxic chemicals? Chocolate sprinkles. Just think how much worldwide outrage could be prevented if people were free to dedicate their lives to chocolatarian pursuits! Think of the strategies that might be developed to maintain a high quality of silky smooth deliciousness or the joy of never ceasing such an endeavor until your last chocolate laden breath was drawn.

There are alternatives to war. All we have to do is make a concerted effort to give them a chance. Of course it will take more than chocolate to keep people from killing each other over territory and resources, but what if someone, anyone, took the first step, made the first move, offered a single option? Why, besides severe brain damage, would human beings, who possess enough intellect to achieve greatness worthy of praise, choose to eat dirt instead of chocolate?  What is better than chocolate? Peace perhaps.


27 thoughts on “All I Am Saying Is Give Chocolate A Chance

  1. Allan G. Smorra says:

    Peace, love and chocolate—all we ever need.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      and a toothbrush. 🙂

      1. Allan G. Smorra says:

        Excellent point.

  2. I would vote for Chocolate every single time. What a good idea.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Chocolate wins every time!

  3. I am mightily impressed with the depth and veracity of your years of intensive research in the field of chocolate science, which clearly shines through in all of these concrete facts that The MAN doesn’t want us to know. I would’ve pegged dirt as only 9,800 times superior to dirt, but that’s because I’m an ordinary layman who can’t be bothered to keep up with current studies in the more esoteric chocolate science journals. Kudos!

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Yes, I have a PhD in chocology. It’s an honorary thing, of course, but I take my research very seriously. Chocolate makes the world a sweeter place to live.

  4. Lyle Krahn says:

    There must be an award for the best use of chocolate in a blog. This is definitely it.

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Thanks, Lyle. I’ve never heard of one, but if there is such a thing, I’m in. I hope it includes a lifetime supply of…you guessed it…chocolate!

  5. I heard *chocolate* and came a runnin’. I like the way you think, Honie. This is brilliant!

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Hey Maddie,
      You are a woman with her priorities straight. Always make time for chocolate. How’s the book coming along?

      1. The first book in the new series is finished. Thanks for asking! Working on the Susan Hunter book now. Will you be participating in NaNoWriMo this year?

        1. Honie Briggs says:

          Maddie, I love to say yes, but I was a big NaNoWriMo flop last year and I wasn’t even in school then. Homework is the only Wri happening around here these days. Beyond Belief sits incomplete. So, probably not. 😦

          1. I understand. School comes first. I didn’t enjoy NaNo last year. I prefer pressure when I’m putting it on myself, and it’s not coming from someone or something else. I’m participating again with the hope I’ll have a better handle on it this year.

  6. artsifrtsy says:

    Should someone send cookies to congress – eating chocolate is also better that eating your own words or eating crow – at least 10,000 times better 🙂

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Let ’em eat crow. 😉

  7. And the Nobel Peace Prize goes to…the woman with melted chocolate on her fingers!

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Yes! I knew all that research would pay off!

  8. JackieP says:

    That’s the best idea I’ve seen in a long time!

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Chocolate is a great idea any time.

  9. Carrie Rubin says:

    You may be on to something. After all, chocolate (like other foods with sugar) triggers the feel-good centers in the brain. Feel good, no war. Honie for president!

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Can you imagine the conversation between me and Hillary? “Yes, you heard me correctly. I want you to stay home and bake 300,000 cookies. Get some interns to help you. Oh, on second thought, scratch that.”

      1. Carrie Rubin says:

        Yeah, you might want to talk to Bill about that. He’s probably the cookie-maker now.

        1. Honie Briggs says:

          I bet you’re right. Well then, definitely no interns. Hey, do you think a Chocolatarian party could get enough traction to make it onto the ballot by 2014?

          1. Carrie Rubin says:

            It would get my vote.

  10. A peace of chocolate – best idea ever

    1. Honie Briggs says:

      Truffle Truce Leads To Cocoa Accords. Yeah!

Leave a Reply to Allan G. Smorra Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Choctaw Nation

EDU 497.04


What if you spent every day looking for One Beautiful Thing?

A Year of Living Kindly

adventures in trying to live a life of kindness

church ov solitude

We are all just babes in the woods.

Cheri Lucas Rowlands

Editor at Longreads. Automattician since 2012. Californian since 1979. Junglist for life.

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple

Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

Mark My Words


fabricating fiction

Louise Jensen - Writer -

Granola Shotgun

Stories About Urbanism, Adaptation, and Resilience

I didn't have my glasses on....

A trip through life with fingers crossed and eternal optimism.

Björn Rudbergs writings

Poetry and fiction by a physicist from the dark side


All the Blogging That's Fit To Print

Amanda Mininger

Writer | Author

The Brown Road Chronicles

Stories about country living, old houses, dirt roads, fresh air and other amusing (and possibly even inspirational) anecdotes!

What's So Funny?

Russell Gayer, author speaker

Elan Mudrow



Straight up with a twist– Because life is too short to be subtle!

This, that and the other thing

Looking at life through photography and words


Just another site

Midlife Crisis Crossover!

Viewing the non-geek world through geek lenses. And sometimes vice versa.

She's A Maineiac

just another plaid-wearin' java-sippin' girl


Writing for my life


Wrought words and images


Smart and surprising

Geometry & Silence

Photography by Quintin Lake


Stories, poems, photos and bumbles for the soul

QBG_Tilted Tiara

Philosophically Speaking the World in Motion

Georgette Sullins's Blog

My view of the cow parade

Meeka's Mind

the passions of a science fiction writer

rona black photography

occasional visual essays

Michael Lewis Glover | Fine Art Photography

Architectural, HDR, Nature, & Landscape Photography

the eff stop

Adventures of a shutterbug

S.W. Lothian - Author

Amazing YA Thrillers and Irresistible MG Time Travel

The Blue Page Special

Savoring books and food

%d bloggers like this: