Life Thus Far



Decade of Cluelessness

Season of Chaos

The Lost Years

Intervals of Brilliant Mistakes and Joyous Episodes

100,000 Mile Reality Check

Brief Moment of Clarity

Period of Adjustment

Middle Age

This, of course, is only an overview of my life, but it hits the major milestones. I suspect most people experience similar timelines, immersing themselves a bit more or less in one stage or another. It’s only natural.

This morning, on my way out the door I thought to myself how very fortunate I am. Fortunate that life’s traumas haven’t done too much lasting damage. That’s what I like to think anyway. I am fortunate that there have been so many people in my life who have made me want to do better, try harder. Some of those people know who they are. Some have no idea what kind of impact they have had on me. It’s probably for the best.

At this point in my life I know some things about myself. I am an enthusiastic problem solver who responds creatively to challenging situations. I seldom let rules or standard procedures interfere with finding new ways to use existing systems to come up with solutions to problems. At times I can be impatient and am unapologetic for it because encountering any of the following causes visceral pain:

  • Incompetence preceded or followed by lame excuses
  • Intentional deception
  • Drivers who text behind the wheel, eat soup while driving, or cannot seem to get their dumb asses in gear, even when I’m laying on the horn after they have been alerted that they drifted into my lane or the light has changed
  • Sitting in traffic for extended periods because some dumb ass caused an accident

Let me give you an example of how I would fix this problem by modifying the existing system. Dumb asses who text behind the wheel of a vehicle on all public roadways should be required to display signage in the rear window of their vehicles that says, “DUMB ASS TEXTER ON BOARD.” Instead of swerving all over the road flashing their God Is My Co-Pilot bumper sticker, they should use the legs God gave ‘em and WALK. When they cause a traffic jam or an accident, they forfeit their driving PRIVILEGE for a year, attend weekly dumb ass (DA) meetings, AND are sentenced to 180 days of standing at a busy intersection holding a sign that says, “DUMB ASS TEXTER.”

Can you tell I’ve been in the car a lot lately? 

21 thoughts on “Life Thus Far

  1. I am with you! All the way with you. However, I want signs of my own, you know the ones that flash across either the back or front of your car, scrolling would be good too. You could type in some standard messages and use voice commands to activate them.

    I envision something like this:

    Flash 1 Front: Dumbass put down your phone and drive!
    Flash 2 Back: Move back or I will break moron.
    Flash 3 Front: Cut me off again asshat, see what happens.

    Create your own.

  2. I once went on a road trip with a sales manager who read the newspaper while he drove – even in city traffic. Scared the crap out of me. That’s part of my season of chaos.

  3. I think it depends on the type of soup. Something brothy and easy to swallow – Campbell’s Chicken & Stars, for instance – doesn’t require much effort and can probably be enjoyed whilst motoring along easily enough. Break out the Top Ramen, though, and you’ve got issues. It’s hard to keep your hands on the steering wheel while attempting to maneuver with a fork…or even chopsticks.

    Don’t even get me started on stew…

  4. I have to give you credit. I was thotfully lulled into thinking about life’s milestones and then before I knew it, I was smack in the middle of a full-blown rant on texting. I had to go back and reread the greased-lightning transition to see how it happened. That was fast!

    1. That is precisely how it happened to me, Lyle. I was lulled into thinking about how fortunate I am when all of sudden, SHAZZAM! Out of nowhere came a red Kia into my lane without warning of any kind. Those things really need some kind of signage. 😛

  5. Don’t you wish at those moments you had one of those 007 cars that launches a missle or maybe a vaporizing ray?

  6. Nah, you’re being way too kind and forgiving. The solution to the problem I would implement is to allow open season on texting and cell-phoning drivers. You’d have to get a proper hunting license, of course, and your monthly take would be limited. But you get to keep what you kill.

    My guess is the problem would go away pretty quickly.

  7. “Incompetence preceded or followed by lame excuses”–I’m not particularly fond of that one either. And I like the idea of required signage for texters. Or chatters. I can’t believe how many times I’ve been cut off by someone, or some other concerning event, because he/she was so busy talking on the phone, they didn’t even see my car. Scary.

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