I am not what you would call a sports fan. I haven’t ever gone to a tail gate party, had season tickets, or watched at game, set, match, quarter, inning, or period of anything on pay per view. I played basketball my senior year in high school because it was the only other thing offered for girls at my school besides cheerleading and the Miss AHS pageant. I couldn’t defy gravity well enough to make cheerleader but I was the 5 foot 3 power forward for the Lady Eagles. We didn’t win a single game but I scored some points in a couple of games because I knew how to draw the foul. That hardly qualifies me to give the play-by-play of the absolute pounding The Alabama Crimson Tide gave LSU in the Bowl Series Championship at the Mercedes Benz Super Dome in New Orleans, Louisiana but I will try to give you my impressions of the highlights.
Mercedes Benz manufactures SUV’s in Vance, Alabama. It’s a town near Tuscaloosa, home of The Crimson Tide. The reason why there isn’t a Mercedes Super Dome in Alabama is because, well, Alabama doesn’t have a single professional sports team. There is cheap labor and Mercedes is receiving some tax incentive for choosing Vance as the site for their plant. A local cop hauled in one of the Mercedes execs recently for not having proper identification to prove he wasn’t an illegal alien. Who knows how that little indiscriminate lapse in judgment will affect future relations between the auto maker and law makers of Alabama the Beautiful. Charles Barkley kicked off the pre-game commercials with a spot for Weight Watchers. Charles is famous in Alabama so those folks at Weight Watchers knew what they were doing. Allstate Insurance, Budweiser, and AT&T 4G Network dominated the ad nauseam throughout the game.
Neither team scored a touchdown in the regular season game which LSU won by a field goal in overtime 9 to 6. For the record Alabama went 11-1 and LSU 13-0. The Tide was not the favorite coming into the championship game but they won the toss with tails and the game got underway. Kickoff. On the 3rd down there was a fumble on the snap. LSU also got a penalty for false start. PUNT Alabama’s #4 Maze blazes for a 49 yard return. Ford Motor Company Rocks, Direct TV advises us not wake up in a roadside ditch, and Gatorade tells us to win from within. There was something about a camera and then we’re back on 10 yard line. Smelley can’t pick up the load in Bama’s passing game but Shelley can with a FGA (field goal attempt) Roll Tide! It’s 3 to zero.
Dell XPS 14z wows us, Discover card has a bad rap song, this time the Ford F150 rocks, and OfficeMax has a man on a ledge. Arrests and illness plagued LSU this year and they are trying to maintain a fast pace tonight to keep from over thinking. Bama has the ball. Abbreviated Allstate spot followed by a reminder for the Sears MLK event. I wonder what Martin Luther King would say about that? Sony shows off with 3D and Ford says get into the new you. AT&T 4G is so 24 hours ago then there is a Sports Center update. Bama’s QB, McCarron is on fire and that #4 Maze is ablaze until he is injured. Next play, pass is incomplete. A flag. Off sides, LSU. Even though he runs back out, it doesn’t look good for Maze with a wrapped hamstring. First down Bama. Nice control Underwood. YEAH!! Bama is leaping and flying.
More 3 D this time from Visio, Motor Trend Truck of the year is made by FORD! 101 babies, beefy crunch burritos from Taco Bell and Nissan’s New Year sales rally took my attention away from the fact that roofs in the Metroplex have taken a beating and citizens need to call Green Roofing & Construction.
1st and 10 A.J. McCarron is five for five so far. Wait 4th and 4 – 49yrd FGA total fake-out brings the chains out. Awesome One Inch!!! Naked mayhem, Glidden Paint at Home Depot one coat does double duty. Hard hit – stall – hard hit and a blown opportunity lead to a 42yrd FGA blocked by LSU’s underrated #90. Now I am confused. Before the game some knuckle dragger said Dr. Pepper isn’t for women now I see women saying they like Dr. Pepper. What is up with that? Sick of AT&T 4G saved by H&R Block. Bud light is a sure sign of a good time. Really? Coach Nick Saban reassures the kicker, Shelley after a failed FGA. Flag? LSU almost makes a play but no….it’s time for LSU to punt, AGAIN.
Okay I am starting to realize that the commercials are taking up too much of this recap so I will just say now that it must take a boat load of cash and a lot of free stuff to the boosters to put those things on the air. Especially to get Lou Holtz and Kirk Herbstreit to pitch for Capital One. I don’t wonder what’s in their wallets. Now back to the game. First down Bama. Smelley to the 45 Yes, Yes, No. PUNT deja vu all over again. 10 first downs for Bama before the second half. Come on Lacy to the….yeah….oh….ok field goal!!!! score is 6 to nothing. LSU possession NBD, just give the fierce Bama Front Seven a minute. Time out LSU. Commentators blah, blah, blah. Sloppy snap to the….PUNT – Come on boys…short and short again…baby daddy gets a first down (I don’t know why the commentator had to add that bit of personal info about the player)Time out. Fighting for field goal range. 9 to nothing at the half wouldn’t be so bad. Blitz to the 45 but the clock is moving now they’re rushing. Time out Bama, Honey Badger don’t care….catch stops the clock. Blitz 4 seconds!!!!In Range!!! Does Coach Saban make good on his promise to Shelley? Yes he does. Coach Saban is a class act. YES!!! 42yrd field goal. Nine to Nothing!!! HALF TIME SHOW – I wanted to see the Million Dollar Band but no just over-talkers and commercials. The 60 seconds of mayhem field goal challenge sponsored by Allstate was mildly entertaining.
At this point you are probably wondering if LSU was even there. Well to tell the truth, they weren’t. Those Tigers should have had some Cheetah Power Surge during half time because it just went downhill for them in the second half. (BTW I think Erin Andrews of ESPN drew the short straw on the coach interviews.) Maze is OUT the freshman Jones is IN. Over the Honey Badger to Hanks Roll Tide!!! Bell goes, he goes, and there he goes. Almost a turnover.35yrd FG way to go Shelley!! 12 – Zip. Roll Tide! TV timeout for more ad nauseam, oh wait Mark Walburg is hot in Contraband. The game is back on, good sportsman like conduct after that Greco-Roman wrestling thing they highlighted with some yellow squiggly action. Upshaw gets SACKED – run – PUNT – Bama gets the ball back. Fair catch but there’s a flag on the play. Personal foul LSU for unnecessary roughness. Norwood at the 45 PERFECT – pressure no connection – Oh No, Honey Badger is off the bench. Beware the nickel man… and they PUNT big surprise.
Four Crimson shirts BOOM – Harris is shutdown. Interception!!!!!!! Luckily the Bama smack talker was escorted off the field by an observant assistant coach. Did anyone else see that?
Sadly Mosely is injured. There he goes and here we go…3rd and 7…what was that? Here comes Shelley for a 41yrd FGA, no good no problem. LSU didn’t get their Cheetah Power Surge in the locker room. The expressions on their faces…..they are powerless to stop the Bama defense a.k.a. The Great Wall. Whoa 0 for six on third downs? SACKED! What a meltdown. Freshman brings it to the 47. LSU has 59 yards of offense to Bama’s 306. Lacey moves the pile! 1st down at the 25! Fatigue is setting in and it’s close but no cigar before a time out. Regroup boys you’re in the zone. 3rd and ten dive, dive, dive. FGA Bangarang 44yrds a career long for Shelley! 15 Nothing.
LSU down at the 20 in the fourth – commercials. I do want to see Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close but I don’t want to cry. More stuff I am not in the market for but have to endure to get back to the game. Still waiting for the game….I will never go to a dentist that uses a gas-powered drill. More Bud Light. More mayhem. Money Ball is now on blu ray, Yippeee. Okay, so we got a sack…PUNT. Tide rolls over Honey Badger. Fear the Tide! Almost to the 50 again whoopee! Wow they can do it. False start again, LSU, no penalties for Bama all night. They’re such good boys. Hey there LSU no pushing after the whistle. Did anyone else see that? LSU wings it deep but cannot connect. Punt? No they’re going for it. WAIT….FUMBLE TURN OVER Roll Tide!
The first shutout in a BCS bowl game or title game, EVER. Dive McCarron dive. No bootleg here. Picked up the first down, the clock is running. SCREAMS! 34 yard TOUCH DOWN! #3 Richardson just secured an extra million after the draft. Then Shelley hits the up-right on the right but who cares he did score the first 15 points of the game. Nice playing, nice coaching, and nice husband just muted the commercials. Oh wait Red Tails movie trailer, unmute. Tuskegee Airmen movie is the must see that inspired the Crimson Tide, says Coach Saban. I spoke too soon about dodging the penalties. Coach Saban is not happy about that penalty. Tide still rolling and the over-talker commentator who loves the sound of his own voice said something about Saban making us forget the Bear. NEVER! Game over. They finished things right 21 – zip. ROLL TIDE!